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Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that is common in abusive relationships. He's an undercover guyemotional abusein which the harasser or abuser deceives the target, creating a false narrative and leading them to question their judgments and reality.Ultimately, the gaslighting victim feels insecure about their perception of the world and even wonders if they are losing their mind.

Gaslighting is usually done over an extended period of time, causing the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perceptions of reality, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and insecurity about one's own psychological stability. A common consequence of this is addiction to the abuser.

Gaslighting occurs primarily in romantic relationships, but it is also common in controlling friendships or between family members. People who light others with gas may have mental disorders. They use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others to manipulate friends, family, or even co-workers.

How Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting is a technique that subverts a person's perception of reality. When someone criticizes you, you can question yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions. After talking to the person who turned on your gas, you may feel dizzy and wonder if something is wrong with you. He may be encouraged to believe that something is actually his fault or that he is simply too sensitive.

Gaslighting can become confusing and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-esteem, and overall sanity. It may be helpful to know more about the tactics a person using gaslighting might use.

lie

People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual andpathological liarsand often display narcissistic tendencies. It is typical of them to lie outright and never back down or change their stories, even if they do.you call themor provide evidence of your deception. They might say something like, "You make things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy."

discredit you

People thatGaslight spreads rumors and gossip about you to others. They may act like they care about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy." Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective, and many people side with the abuser or stalker without knowing the full story.

Also, someone involved in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people think the same about you. These people may never have said anything bad about you, but the person who is abusing you will go out of their way to make you believe that they are.

distract you

If you ask someone who gaslights a question or challenge them on something they did or said, they might change the subject by asking a question instead of answering the issue at hand. This not only alters their train of thought, but causes them to question the need to press on an issue when they don't feel the need to act on it.

Minimize your thoughts and feelings.

When you trivialize your emotions, the person who abuses you can gain power over you. You can make statements like "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?" All of these statements minimize how you feel or what you are thinking and communicate that you are wrong. .

point

Blame is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is misrepresented in some way where you are responsible for something that happened. Even if you try to talk about how the abuser's behavior is affecting you, he may twist the conversation so that you end up asking if you are the reason for his bad behavior. For example, they may claim that if you behaved differently, they would not treat you that way.

deny wrongdoing

Emotional stalkers and abusers are notorious for denying that they have done anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their bad decisions. This denial can make the victim of gaslighting feel invisible and unheard, and as if the impact on them doesn't matter. This tactic also makes it very difficult for the victim to move on or recover from the bullying or abuse.

Using compassionate words as weapons

Sometimes a person who uses gaslights will use when called out or questioned.kind and loving wordstry to smooth the situation.You could say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never intentionally hurt you."

Those words may be what you want to hear, but they are not authentic, especially when the same behavior is repeated. That is, they may be enough to convince him to let them go, allowing the person to escape responsibility or the consequences of his hurtful behavior.

rewrite history

A person who makes gaslights tends to retell stories in a way that works for them. For example, if your partnerpushed you against the walland then you argue that they could twist the story and say that you tripped and they tried to support you, causing you to fall against the wall.

You may start to doubt your memory of what happened. It is precisely intended to encourage confusion or a second opinion on his part.

Gas lighting signs.

Exposure to gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems, including addiction and suicidal thoughts.Because of this, it is important to recognize when gaslighting is occurring. Ask yourself if any of the following statements is true:

• You doubt your feelings and your reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you are receiving is not so bad or that you are too sensitive.
• You question your judgment and perception.: You are afraid to talk or express your feelings. You've learned that speaking your mind usually ends up making you feel worse, so keep quiet.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you are “walking on eggshells” when you are with your partner, friend or family member. They also feel nervous and lack self-esteem.
• you feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are "weird", "crazy" or "unstable", just like the person who abused you. It makes you feel trapped and isolated.
• You wonder if you are what they say you are: The person who enlightens you says words that make you feel bad, unintelligent, inadequate or crazy. Sometimes you even repeat these statements to yourself.
• you're disappointed in yourself and who have you become: For example, you feel weak and passive when you used to be stronger and more assertive.
• you feel confused: The behavior of the person harassing you confuses you, almost like it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
• You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful words or behaviors by saying "I was just kidding" or "You need thicker skin."
• You have a feeling of imminent death:You have a feeling that something terrible will happen when you are around this person. This can include feeling threatened and nervous without knowing why.
• You spend a lot of time apologizing.: You feel the need to constantly apologize for what you do or what you are.
• you feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
• doubt yourself: You often wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped sharing your memories out of fear that it's wrong.
• You assume that others will be disappointed in you.: You apologize all the time for what you are doing or who you are, assuming that people are letting you down or that you somehow made a mistake.
• You wonder what's wrong with you: You wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you're worried that you're not mentally well.
• You have trouble making decisions because you don't trust yourself: You would rather allow your partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decisions altogether.

Why do some people set others on fire?

The Gaslighter's typical goal is not just manipulation, but power and control, usually with the misguided cooperation of the manipulated victim. This type of learned behavior is often ingrainedPsychopathyor a personality disorder such asnarcissistic,antisocial, YShould.

Where did gaslighting get its name?

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton known in the United States as Angel Street, which was later made into Alfred Hitchcock's film Gas Light.

In the thriller, a manipulative husband tries to trick his wife into thinking he's going crazy by making subtle changes to her surroundings, including slowly and steadily dimming a gas lamp flame. He not only annoys those around her and makes her believe that she is crazy, but also abuses and controls her, isolating her from family and friends.

Consequently, the woman begins to question herself, her feelings, her perceptions and her memories. In addition, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out of control, which is the goal of Gaslighting: to leave the target feeling insecure and uncertain about what is true and what is not.

Because this film was an accurate depiction of the toxic and controlling acts that manipulative people employ, psychologists and counselors began to refer to this type of emotionally abusive behavior as "gaslighting."

What to do if someone sets you on fire

If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you could do include:

• take some distance: It can be helpful to withdraw from the intense emotions that gaslighting can evoke. Getting physically out of the situation can help, but you can also try some relaxation techniques likedeep breathingogrounding exercises.
• Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can make you question yourself, work to preserve the evidence of your experiences. Keep a journal, text conversations, or emails so you can review them later and remind yourself not to doubt or question.
• Limits: Boundaries tell others what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it clear that you will not allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying what you have to say.
• Get an outside perspective: Talk to a friend or family member about what is happening. Getting another person's perspective can help you clarify the situation.
• end the relationship: Although it can be difficultend the relationshiphaving someone verbally abuse you is often the most effective way to stop the abuse.

If you suspect that you may be suffering from gaslighting, it can help you too.talk to a psychologist. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you control the behavior.

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A word from Verywell

Remember that you are not responsible for what you experience. The person abusing you chooses to behave in this way. You are responsible for your actions. Nothing you've done has caused them to make that decision, and you can't change what they're doing.

But with counseling, you can learn to make healthy choices andLimitswith the person who operates gaslighting. Ultimately, you may reach a point where you feel ready to end the relationship.