How to tell if someone is cheating on you (2023)

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that is common in abusive relationships. He's an undercover guyemotional abusein which the harasser or abuser deceives the target, creating a false narrative and leading them to question their judgments and reality.Ultimately, the gaslighting victim feels insecure about their perception of the world and even wonders if they are losing their mind.

Gaslighting is usually done over an extended period of time, causing the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perceptions of reality, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and insecurity about one's own psychological stability. A common consequence of this is addiction to the abuser.

Gaslighting occurs primarily in romantic relationships, but it is also common in controlling friendships or between family members. People who light others with gas may have mental disorders. They use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others to manipulate friends, family, or even co-workers.

13 Warning Signs in Relationships

How Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting is a technique that subverts a person's perception of reality. When someone criticizes you, you can question yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions. After talking to the person who turned on your gas, you may feel dizzy and wonder if something is wrong with you. He may be encouraged to believe that something is actually his fault or that he is simply too sensitive.

Gaslighting can become confusing and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-esteem, and overall sanity. It may be helpful to know more about the tactics a person using gaslighting might use.


People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual andpathological liarsand often display narcissistic tendencies. It is typical of them to lie outright and never back down or change their stories, even if they call themor provide evidence of your deception. They might say something like, "You make things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy."

Lying and distortion are the cornerstones of gaslighting behavior. Even if you know they are not telling the truth, they can be very persuasive. In the end, you start to question yourself.

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discredit you

People thatGaslight spreads rumors and gossip about you to others. They may act like they care about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy." Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective, and many people side with the abuser or stalker without knowing the full story.

Also, someone involved in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people think the same about you. These people may never have said anything bad about you, but the person who is abusing you will go out of their way to make you believe that they are.

distract you

If you ask someone who gaslights a question or challenge them on something they did or said, they might change the subject by asking a question instead of answering the issue at hand. This not only alters their train of thought, but causes them to question the need to press on an issue when they don't feel the need to act on it.

Minimize your thoughts and feelings.

When you trivialize your emotions, the person who abuses you can gain power over you. You can make statements like "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?" All of these statements minimize how you feel or what you are thinking and communicate that you are wrong. .

When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may start to question them yourself. Also, you may never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely isolating, embarrassing, and difficult to deal with.

Why is it important to have high self-esteem?


Blame is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is misrepresented in some way where you are responsible for something that happened. Even if you try to talk about how the abuser's behavior is affecting you, he may twist the conversation so that you end up asking if you are the reason for his bad behavior. For example, they may claim that if you behaved differently, they would not treat you that way.

deny wrongdoing

Emotional stalkers and abusers are notorious for denying that they have done anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their bad decisions. This denial can make the victim of gaslighting feel invisible and unheard, and as if the impact on them doesn't matter. This tactic also makes it very difficult for the victim to move on or recover from the bullying or abuse.

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Using compassionate words as weapons

Sometimes a person who uses gaslights will use when called out or questioned.kind and loving wordstry to smooth the situation.You could say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never intentionally hurt you."

Those words may be what you want to hear, but they are not authentic, especially when the same behavior is repeated. That is, they may be enough to convince him to let them go, allowing the person to escape responsibility or the consequences of his hurtful behavior.

rewrite history

A person who makes gaslights tends to retell stories in a way that works for them. For example, if your partnerpushed you against the walland then you argue that they could twist the story and say that you tripped and they tried to support you, causing you to fall against the wall.

You may start to doubt your memory of what happened. It is precisely intended to encourage confusion or a second opinion on his part.


Gaslighting can involve a variety of tactics including lying, distracting, minimizing, denying, and blaming. When dealing with someone using gaslighting as a manipulation tool, pay close attention to what they are doing, not the words they are using.

Gas lighting signs.

Exposure to gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems, including addiction and suicidal thoughts.Because of this, it is important to recognize when gaslighting is occurring. Ask yourself if any of the following statements is true:

  • You doubt your feelings and your reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you are receiving is not so bad or that you are too sensitive.
  • You question your judgment and perception.: You are afraid to talk or express your feelings. You've learned that speaking your mind usually ends up making you feel worse, so keep quiet.
  • You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you are “walking on eggshells” when you are with your partner, friend or family member. They also feel nervous and lack self-esteem.
  • you feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are "weird", "crazy" or "unstable", just like the person who abused you. It makes you feel trapped and isolated.
  • You wonder if you are what they say you are: The person who enlightens you says words that make you feel bad, unintelligent, inadequate or crazy. Sometimes you even repeat these statements to yourself.
  • you're disappointed in yourself and who have you become: For example, you feel weak and passive when you used to be stronger and more assertive.
  • you feel confused: The behavior of the person harassing you confuses you, almost like it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
  • You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful words or behaviors by saying "I was just kidding" or "You need thicker skin."
  • You have a feeling of imminent death:You have a feeling that something terrible will happen when you are around this person. This can include feeling threatened and nervous without knowing why.
  • You spend a lot of time apologizing.: You feel the need to constantly apologize for what you do or what you are.
  • you feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
  • doubt yourself: You often wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped sharing your memories out of fear that it's wrong.
  • You assume that others will be disappointed in you.: You apologize all the time for what you are doing or who you are, assuming that people are letting you down or that you somehow made a mistake.
  • You wonder what's wrong with you: You wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you're worried that you're not mentally well.
  • You have trouble making decisions because you don't trust yourself: You would rather allow your partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decisions altogether.

If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it's important to seek professional help immediately. Left untreated, gaslighting can have a significant impact on your self-esteem and overall mental health.

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Your doctor can recommend a counselor who can help you process and cope with what is happening to you.

You can also contact themNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained attorneys.

7 Reasons You Could Allow Yourself To Be Abused

Why do some people set others on fire?

The Gaslighter's typical goal is not just manipulation, but power and control, usually with the misguided cooperation of the manipulated victim. This type of learned behavior is often ingrainedPsychopathyor a personality disorder such asnarcissistic,antisocial, YShould.

Where did gaslighting get its name?

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton known in the United States as Angel Street, which was later made into Alfred Hitchcock's film Gas Light.

In the thriller, a manipulative husband tries to trick his wife into thinking he's going crazy by making subtle changes to her surroundings, including slowly and steadily dimming a gas lamp flame. He not only annoys those around her and makes her believe that she is crazy, but also abuses and controls her, isolating her from family and friends.

Consequently, the woman begins to question herself, her feelings, her perceptions and her memories. In addition, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out of control, which is the goal of Gaslighting: to leave the target feeling insecure and uncertain about what is true and what is not.

Because this film was an accurate depiction of the toxic and controlling acts that manipulative people employ, psychologists and counselors began to refer to this type of emotionally abusive behavior as "gaslighting."

What is breadcrumbs?

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What to do if someone sets you on fire

If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you could do include:

  • take some distance: It can be helpful to withdraw from the intense emotions that gaslighting can evoke. Getting physically out of the situation can help, but you can also try some relaxation techniques likedeep breathingogrounding exercises.
  • Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can make you question yourself, work to preserve the evidence of your experiences. Keep a journal, text conversations, or emails so you can review them later and remind yourself not to doubt or question.
  • Limits: Boundaries tell others what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it clear that you will not allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying what you have to say.
  • Get an outside perspective: Talk to a friend or family member about what is happening. Getting another person's perspective can help you clarify the situation.
  • end the relationship: Although it can be difficultend the relationshiphaving someone verbally abuse you is often the most effective way to stop the abuse.

If you suspect that you may be suffering from gaslighting, it can help you to a psychologist. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you control the behavior.

Press play for tips on dealing with gaslighting

This episode of is hosted by Editor-in-Chief and Therapist Amy Morin, LCSWThe Verywell Mind Podcastshares how to stay mentally strong when you're out of breath. Click below to listen now.

How to tell if someone is cheating on you (1)

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A word from Verywell

Remember that you are not responsible for what you experience. The person abusing you chooses to behave in this way. You are responsible for your actions. Nothing you've done has caused them to make that decision, and you can't change what they're doing.

But with counseling, you can learn to make healthy choices andLimitswith the person who operates gaslighting. Ultimately, you may reach a point where you feel ready to end the relationship.

(Video) How To Spot A Cheater: Experts Reveal The Warning Signs | TODAY


What are the first signs of cheating? ›

  • Altered Schedule. If working late is suddenly a new normal even though your partner's job doesn't really require it, they may not be telling the truth about where they are.
  • Uncomfortable Friends. The friends of the cheating partner usually know about it before you do. ...
  • Inconsistent Expenses. ...
  • False Accusations of Cheating.
Dec 13, 2022

How do cheaters act when confronted? ›

1 Cheaters may lie or deny what happened. 2 They may find ways to avoid the topic. 3 Some cheaters get angry when confronted. 4 Many cheaters try to blame their partners.

How do cheaters behave? ›

Cheaters are impulsive, and can't resist taking that risk despite what it might cost them. Cheaters, like bullies, are fueled by power, and drawn to risk. This kind of behavior, however, is a reflection of something deeply rooted inside of them.

What cheaters say? ›

7 Idiotic Things Cheaters Say, and How to Respond
  • "I didn't intend to hurt you." ...
  • "You weren't meeting my needs." ...
  • "I need time to decide." ...
  • "Monogamy isn't natural." ...
  • "But I loved you all along." ...
  • "I would try to reconcile, but you're never going to forgive me." ...
  • "I need to mourn the end of the affair."
Jan 5, 2016

How do you outsmart cheaters? ›

7 Effective Tricks to Catch a Cheater
  1. Go where they're not expecting you. ...
  2. Change your plans, unannounced. ...
  3. Ask pointed questions. ...
  4. Be smart about snooping. ...
  5. Follow him. ...
  6. Consider hiring a private investigator—yes, seriously.
Jun 30, 2016

What triggers cheating? ›

An analysis revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance.

How do guilty cheaters act? ›

1. Shame and guilt. Shame and guilt are some of the most common guilty reactions to cheating. When someone in a committed relationship begins to cheat on their partner with another person, they tend to experience feelings of shame and guilt toward themselves, especially when they have come back to meet their partner.

What words do liars use? ›

Liars often overemphasize their truthfulness by adding words or phrases to a statement that are meant to make them sound more convincing.
4. Overemphasizing their trustworthiness: "To be honest."
  • "To be honest"
  • "To tell you the truth"
  • "Believe me"
  • "Let me be clear"
  • "The fact is"
Oct 10, 2018

What are the 5 signs that someone is lying? ›

  • A Change in Speech Patterns. One telltale sign someone may not be telling the whole truth is irregular speech. ...
  • The Use of Non-Congruent Gestures. ...
  • Not Saying Enough. ...
  • Saying Too Much. ...
  • An Unusual Rise or Fall in Vocal Tone. ...
  • Direction of Their Eyes. ...
  • Covering Their Mouth or Eyes. ...
  • Excessive Fidgeting.

Do cheaters act defensive? ›

A cheater, however, may get defensive because you've blown their cover, says Milrad. "It is very common for cheaters to deflect responsibility and get irritated by your questions. They often try and shut you down and even criticize you for being too controlling or suspicious."

How do you know if my partner is cheating on me? ›

Eleven common signs of cheating include:
  • Changes in communication.
  • Increased interest in appearance.
  • More time spent away from home.
  • Attitude changes.
  • Lying.
  • Avoidance.
  • They accuse you of cheating.
  • Indifference.
Dec 8, 2022

Should you tell someone if you know they are being cheated on? ›

There is no clear-cut right or wrong answer to this question, unfortunately. Psychology Today suggests that perhaps you should simply "do the right thing," even if it means telling your friend or loved one the truth, and seeing them get hurt.

What do all cheaters do? ›

Things chronic cheaters have in common
  • They are always able to justify cheating. ...
  • They feel misunderstood. ...
  • They consider their partner as the reason for their happiness. ...
  • They are afraid to be alone. ...
  • They feel unlovable. ...
  • They always think someone else will make them happier.
Jul 27, 2021

What kind of personality do cheaters have? ›

Research in the field of infidelity reveals that there are three distinct personality types correlated with a higher likelihood of cheating: sociopaths, narcissists, and lonely hearts.

Why do I feel like my partner is cheating? ›

In many cases, people think their spouse is cheating on them because either they've cheated on someone in the past or are about to. Psychologists say that projection is a low-level coping skill, where people who cheat or think of cheating are likely to project the same thoughts on their partners.

How to check a cheaters phone? ›

How can you tell if someone is cheating on their phone? You can tap Day to see a daily use summary. Check app usage on an Android: Tap Settings > Digital Wellbeing & Parental Controls > Dashboard to view screen times for each app. Check cloud services, including Amazon Prime.

How do most cheaters communicate? ›

Cheaters will often use laptops and tablets, and even hidden apps, to communicate with a paramour. A new favorite place for texting is Google Docs. Your partner can claim to be working, rather than sexting with a new lover.

What are cheaters high? ›

People who get away with cheating when they believe no one is hurt by their dishonesty are more likely to feel upbeat than remorseful afterward, according to new research published by the American Psychological Association.

How do you stop thinking that he is cheating? ›

How to Avoid Worrying About Cheating
  1. Stay Off of Their Social Media.
  2. Don't Check Their Phone.
  3. Maintain Intimacy.
  4. Maintain Attraction.
  5. Set Boundaries to Prevent Cheating.
  6. Build Your Relationship.
  7. Laugh at Yourself.
  8. Rely on Your Faith.

What excuses do cheaters use? ›

11 Excuses Cheaters Will Make That You Shouldn't Believe
  • "I Had To Work Late" ...
  • "I Just Wanted To Grab Drinks With Everyone After Work" ...
  • "I Was So Drunk, I Don't Remember Anything" ...
  • "I Have No Idea Why They Keep Texting Me" ...
  • "My Ex Said They'd Leave Us Alone If I Met Up With Them Just One More Time"
Jan 23, 2018

How do cheaters justify their behavior? ›

According to Sussman, the most common justification cheaters use is that they weren't getting their needs met in the relationship. They'll often say, "I was lonely" or "I was being ignored," she says.

What are the three main causes of cheating? ›

Here, are nine of the most common reasons why people cheat.
  • Lack of Emotional Connection. ...
  • Lack of Sexual Connection. ...
  • Bad Boundaries With People Outside the Relationship. ...
  • Fighting Unfairly. ...
  • Making Assumptions About Your Relationship Status. ...
  • Unresolved Childhood Issues. ...
  • Sex Addiction. ...
  • Addiction.
Aug 29, 2022

Where does cheating mostly occur? ›

The workplace. The workplace is where most affairs begin. It doesn't hurt that we usually dress nicely and are on “good behavior” at work. Plus, having shared passions about projects (or mutual annoyance at a boss or co-worker) provides the perfect breeding ground for an affair.

Who cheat most in a relationship? ›

According to the General Social Survey, men are more likely to cheat than women, with 20% of men and 13% of women reporting having sex with someone other than their partner while still married. However, the gender gap varies per age.

What common things cheaters say when they caught? ›

7 Most Common Things Cheaters Say When They're Caught
  • "It Didn't Mean Anything" Andrew Zaeh for Bustle. ...
  • "I Only Did It Because We Don't Have Enough Sex" ...
  • "Nothing Is Going On — You're Just Insecure" ...
  • "It Never Got Physical" ...
  • "It Was Just Sex" ...
  • "I Was Unhappy In The Relationship" ...
  • "It Will Never Happen Again"
Dec 28, 2017

How does a man act after cheating? ›

Among men, 68% feel guilty after having an affair. Even if they haven't confessed the affair, most cheating husbands will feel guilty and express that guilt in their behavior. You may notice subtle changes in their behavior that make you wonder if your spouse is displaying cheating husband guilt.

What is gaslighting about cheating? ›

If you've been cheated on, it's likely that you also experienced some degree of what psychologists refer to as gaslighting. Gaslighting, in case you're wondering, is a form of psychological abuse that involves the presentation of false information followed by dogged insistence that the information is true.

How do liars answer questions? ›

People who are telling the truth want all the facts to be out there so in response to a closed question, they'll often give more than a one word answer. Liars, on the other hand, will say less for fear of revealing their deception. For them, a 'yes' or a 'no' will be plenty.

What questions to ask to see if someone is lying? ›

Liars often try to determine what you might know already, so using open-ended questions forces them to recount details that didn't happen. When asking open-ended questions, never use the word “why” which implies that they did it. Instead, replace it with “what”, which is more distancing.

What's a common tell someone's lying? ›

Being vague; offering few details. Repeating questions before answering them. Speaking in sentence fragments. Failing to provide specific details when a story is challenged.

How do you catch someone in a lie? ›

Here are 5 foolproof ways to do so effectively:
  1. Take note of any inconsistencies. If you suspect someone of lying, pay attention to any inconsistencies in their story. ...
  2. Throw them off by asking the unexpected. ...
  3. Pay close attention to their behavior. ...
  4. Look for microexpressions. ...
  5. Be suspicious of extra details.
Feb 19, 2019

How do you tell if someone is hiding something from you? ›

Here are 11 telltale signs that your friend is hiding something from you:
  1. You Have A Gut Feeling. ...
  2. You Hear Gossip. ...
  3. Your Other Friends All Feel The Same Way. ...
  4. They React Strongly To Things That Aren't A Big Deal. ...
  5. They Get Unusually Quiet About Certain Topics. ...
  6. They Avoid Seeing You. ...
  7. They Don't Make Eye Contact.
Aug 18, 2017

Where do eyes look when lying? ›

Conventional wisdom has it that when people talk, the direction of their eye movements reveals whether or not they're lying. A glance up and to the left supposedly means a person is telling the truth, whereas a glance to the upper right signals deceit. However, new research thoroughly debunks these notions.

What are the red flags that a man is cheating? ›

The physical signs of cheating are the most obvious. This includes spending more time with friends and less with you, avoiding sex, having a random or significantly changed schedule, and changes in their appearance.

What are cheaters afraid of? ›

Cheaters actually have a deep-seated fear of betrayal themselves. They often feel suspicious and rejected in relationships and use this as an excuse to step out on their partners. Cheating gives philandering folks a feeling of power and control in their lives and relationships.

How do you know if he's secretly cheating? ›

30 clear signs your boyfriend is cheating on you
  • He's always distracted. ...
  • He buys new perfume and clothes. ...
  • He becomes irritated. ...
  • You notice he always have mood swings. ...
  • His routines had changed. ...
  • He suddenly likes doing overtime. ...
  • You don't talk as often. ...
  • He no longer invites you to go out.
Mar 22, 2022

How does an innocent person react when accused of cheating? ›

Key points. When falsely accused of wrongdoing, people usually feel enraged and express their anger about the unfair treatment. A new study suggests people who express their angry feelings openly are often seen as guilty.

Can you get tested to see if your partner is cheating? ›

If you have suspicions about a partner being unfaithful, a DNA test may be a good way to prove or dispel your fears. By submitting relevant samples of items considered suspicious, one can determine the identity of the likely donor of the sample. First, a procedure can identify if the DNA present is male or female.

How do I find out if my partner is cheating on me? ›

The most common tell-tale signs are:
  1. More secretive with phone and social media.
  2. Change in personal grooming.
  3. Changes in mood and behaviour.
  4. More distant with less physical contact.
  5. Increased work patterns or new hobby/reason to leave the house.
Jan 30, 2022

What questions to ask to find out if someone is cheating? ›

Here are 5 questions to ask your husband or wife to find out if they're cheating on you.
  • Why can't we go together? ...
  • May I see your phone? ...
  • Is there a reason you don't seem to be paying attention to me like you used to? ...
  • Would you be willing to cut back on social media? ...
  • Are you cheating on me?
Jun 28, 2020

How accurate are lie detector tests for infidelity? ›


The result of the meta analysis prepared for the American Polygraph Association, shows that, depending on the method used for the test, the reliability of the test varies between 87.5% and 94%.

What to do when you suspect your partner is cheating? ›

6 things you should actually do if you think your partner is cheating
  1. Make a pros and cons list. ...
  2. Analyze your list for "red flags." ...
  3. Seek out supportive friends. ...
  4. Write down everything you're thinking. ...
  5. Let your partner know you want to talk. ...
  6. Have “the" conversation in a supportive, safe environment.
Aug 10, 2018

Why do I keep thinking my boyfriend cheating? ›

In many cases, people think their spouse is cheating on them because either they've cheated on someone in the past or are about to. Psychologists say that projection is a low-level coping skill, where people who cheat or think of cheating are likely to project the same thoughts on their partners.

What are red flags of cheating? ›

The physical signs of cheating are the most obvious. This includes spending more time with friends and less with you, avoiding sex, having a random or significantly changed schedule, and changes in their appearance.

How do you test loyalty in a relationship? ›

7 Questions That May Help Determine Your Partner's Loyalty
  1. "Tell Me Something About Yourself That You've Never Said Out Loud" ...
  2. "How Do You Define Loyalty?" ...
  3. "What's The Worst Lie You've Ever Told?" ...
  4. "Have You Ever Outed An Ex's Secrets?" ...
  5. "What Do You Hope To Get Out Of This Relationship With Me?"
Mar 20, 2019

Can an honest person fail a lie detector test? ›

The problem with polygraph tests

It's used to measure levels of fear and physical responses, not actual lies. These tests can fail because a person who is telling the truth could be anxious and a person who is lying might not be anxious at all.

How much does it cost to get a lie detector test? ›

Trained polygraph examiners administer lie detector tests for a fee. The typical cost is between $200 and $2,000. The specific cost usually increases with the length of the test. This means an all-day test will be on the high end of the cost range.

What is the most accurate lie detector test? ›

Best Lie Detector: EyeDetect | 97-99% Accuracy with Polygraph. Combine EyeDetect with Polygraph to get 97-99% outcome confidence. The two combined are the best lie detector test: highest accuracy.


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